>Word of advice...this is an angry post..the words are not sensitive<


So I want to talk about the past. It isn’t something that I do often. The past seems silly to me. Lamenting is tom foolery. I mean once it has happened all you can do is talk about it…or preferably write about. Yet I digress.

Recently a person whom I will not blast brought back some past issues to me. I got to thinking about these old times and about people that I don’t even talk to (or write to) anymore. Once I was done not only was my head spinning but I was angry that I had in fact wasted time that I could not recover. In essence neither one of us could change the past no matter how long we sat and disgusted what did and didn’t happen what was said and wasn’t said. It won’t change. Just like these written words. No matter how many times you look back the same events will be there for you to see replay in the depths of your mind. Now you can replay these things and perhaps something that you didn’t think of before may occur to you, yet again I say that is still pointless. Even if you say sorry “I am so sorry” for something that you once did…you still did it the damage was done.

Example: Ask yourself a question if I step on your foot and break your toe and I say sorry so sorry. Didn’t mean to do it and walk away. Yea I said sorry but our foot is still messed up isn’t it? You still have to walk with a limp for 4 weeks don’t you? It still hurts you doesn’t it?
I don’t mind talking about the present. Right now I can tell you that I am more than a little annoyed that this person’s words are running through my mind. If you just said why to yourself, you asked the right question at the right time. For one, I rather not think of this person that often. It doesn’t matter that they allege to think of me daily. I have other things to be concerned about…like whether or not I left the water running in the apartment that I moved out of 13 yrs ago.

I spent a great deal of time in the past thinking of the past (which was actually that time’s present, look you’ll have to keep up with me here), milling over it and then deciding that it didn’t matter and left it alone. It pissed me off at the time and reliving it was not better. So back to why I am pissed off. I am pissed off because this person wanted to make amends. They wanted to tell me how pitifully sorry that they were so that I could say oh it’s alright and just be a jolly happy little lap dog. Well that chick doesn’t live here anymore.So if we MUST talk about the past here it is. I think that I started being firm and far nastier about a year ago. I have had a series of painfully experiences. I’ve been emotionally raped time and time again. Mentally stripped raw of all I had time and time again. Yea it’s been rough sometimes. Yet many people have had it rough. Let me be clear my life is not horrible. I have definitely not spent my life in a war torn country. The people I love are fairly healthy. Though I struggle with some things, in the grand scheme of it all my life is not horrible. Let me also say this. If you go thru something that is seriously painful to you, then it is. No one should try to take it from you or battle you with “Well that was nothing”, or”That wasn’t that bad”, simply because if it was bad to you then it was bad. Bottom line I am not comparing and contrasting. I am talking about me so deal with that. Yes I am being frank. In fact I am one to be fucking frank.

Frankly, some people were not to frigging pleasant to be around in the past. In the past I spent time wondering why, trying to help, holding their hands and crying with them through each and every ordeal. No matter what it cost me to help them. I gave selflessly. For the gift of my time and my efforts I was betrayed, disrespected, forgotten, heartbroken, empty, ripped, torn, bruised, unsheltered, afraid, battle worn, breathless, and essentially left with nothing. One day I looked around and said “Fuck, I have nothing left.” Then it occurred to me. All I had left was fuck. Fuck is mean and rude, fuck is without cause, fuck is brutal and annoyed, fuck is not going to stand for anyone’s shit.

In the past I would have jumped at the chance to have this person plus a few others come back to me and say “So sorry, you mean so much, I can’t lose you this way.” Now it seems silly…The past is the past the present is now and the future is when everyone else finds out what it is like to have nothing left but fuck.

Now don’t think I am mean. I am fair. This person knows that. If they are reading this now, they know that I am fair and that I am right, and if this hurts…then that’s just what it going to be like dealing with someone who has nothing left but fuck.