The air around me suddenly smells more of toothpaste than of my Earl Grey tea and French Toast. The stillness of Sunday morning is shattered by the quicken pace of footsteps. There's conversation all around me that I don't care for, that I would rather not be apart of. I hear the sound of cereal rolling over a tongue and teeth chopping while lips remain open. There are sniffles, snorts, and questions. I furrow my brow, roll my eyes, and sip my tea in annoyance. I recognize that the last few moments of my breakfast are being usurped from me. I want to yell about it, and yet I sit ever patiently and even find the strength to muster a slight smile.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about loneliness I decided a long time ago that I may not have children, and that I might face a frightening loneliness in my old age because of that choice. A friend of mine frequently follows this up with, "Well you can't, right?". There's some truth there, but it's not the only reason that has motivated this choice.
I have a very...fertile family. There are more kids than their parents know what to do with. Thus the responsibility of raising, watching, caring for, and monitoring children fell on my shoulders at a very young age. By the age of 16 I was watching some 3 children after school, cooking dinner, helping them with their homework, plus doing my own, cleaning and getting children ready for bed, and for school in the morning. It's not the life I wanted then, and to be perfectly honest it's not what I want going forward, at least from this viewpoint.
I resent people who say things like, "Oh, one day you'll meet someone and you want to have their children", I just don't know about that. I am not saying that it isn't true for some, or that it can't happen for me, but...if I wanted a child, or children...I would have written an article about the hopes of adoption, or the joy of being a single parent instead of guidelines for being alone and enjoying it. My concept of enjoy, sadly for those of you upset, does not involve children. I also don't think that having children to make sure I am not alone when I am 80 is a proper reason to have children. I have a friend whose parents did that, and now her parents are her burden. I don't want to be a burden.
If you haven't guessed, I was referring to a child in the beginning of this post. To those of you who have and properly care for your children, I think you have done an amazingly beautiful thing. In theory people who want to have and are prepared to have children are great! That's just not me. To my friends who have children and want children, I think that is great! That's just not me. I laugh with kids, at kids, for kids. I think pregnant women are the most awesome people. That's just not me. And I think that it is ok.
I have avoided saying this out loud, or writing it for fear of hurting people's feelings...but what about my own? What about my request for peace and quiet? My need for a proper writing space? The needs of someone else have infiltrated my own concerns. Now this is what children do, and if you want to have children this is something you should be prepared for, but when you are like me and don't want them...then no. It shouldn't happen. Just no.
And for the record I don't hate children, I don't hate your child...so settle down. I don't like to see children hurt or in pain. Children deserve to have happy lives. They ought not to be afraid, cold or hungry. Children deserve to be loved and loved desperately...by their parents especially.
Keep having children, keeping taking care of them...just please don't be mad with me if I need to step back, or if I am not there for every event, or if I retreat into the recesses of my mind for that quiet peaceful time that I am so very fond of. No that my space is child free again, that's where I am off to right now...
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